I Am

I love when I say I'm going to start blogging again and then I don't have internet for a week. Haha.
Anyway, today's post is a little different. It's about me, and what I am. The reason I'm doing this is because for the longest time, there were lots of things about myself I didn't like and refused to accept. I tried to change myself for years and years for a variety of reasons. But just yesterday (yes, actually yesterday), I came to realize there are just some things I will never be. There will be some things I will never do. There will be some things I can't and should not change about myself. And here is a list of those things.

I am scatterbrained, and messy.

Although I try my very best to be neat and organized, I am naturally very scatterbrained. I get distracted easily. My desk is usually a mess. This is something I can work on, but when I do have my messy moments, and someone points them out, I can't be defensive about it. Accept the moment, move on.

I am sensitive.

This is THE biggest thing about myself I used to despise. I cry over everything. I get my feelings hurt easily. And worst of all, I get defensive when someone points it out. I want to believe that I things don't affect me easily. I want to have thick skin. But I just don't. That's not the type of heart I have, and trying to change that has been catastrophic. As I get older, however, I've learned that I can be be sensitive without being defensive. When someone hurts my feelings or says something that stings, again, I have to accept my sensitive moment, and move on instead of dwelling on it and getting angry at myself for it.

I am a city girl.

I hated this about myself for so long, especially because it's something I'm made fun of for a lot. I thought it made me materialistic and what not. (I know, ridiculous). But again, it's who I am. I'm attracted to the hustle and bustle of the city. I love the lights, and the people, and the possibility of dreams coming true. It's beautiful to me in a way that's hard to explain. Show me a picture of New York in the fall and I might cry.

I get too excited over literally everything.

I can't tell you the amount of times I've tried to tone down my enthusiasm because someone was offended by it. I've tried, and I can't. I just can't. I see a dog, a pretty flower, a new show, a mountain, a new craft, a movie, anything, and I freak out and get way too invested in it. Again, used to hate this about myself. But then I began to see it a different way. This natural enthusiasm I have makes life so exciting, and everything seems new. Life is never boring for me because of this, and that's something I'd never take back.

I am not physically strong, and physical activity is hard.

I came to terms with this yesterday when I went on a five mile hike and felt like I was going to die. Everyone else was enjoying the hike, and I wanted to crawl on the floor and cry. My physical strength is not at its best, and although I hate to admit it, I don't enjoy physical activity with the exception of yoga. I just hate it. Eventually, as I get stronger, this will improve. But until then, I should not try and prove that I'm strong, because it could lead to injury or sickness. Proving anything to anyone isn't worth that.

I do not fit in a box.

I am not one type of person. I'm a mix of several different types of people, making it hard to relate to certain types of people. I reinvent myself basically every day, depending on how I'm feeling, and this causes me to pick up hobbies I never keep up with, and things I never finish. This is something that I still can't figure out. I don't know if it's good or bad, or how to work with it. So far, I've come up with this: I want to do everything. I want to experience everything. I want to live a full life.

So, why did I write this? Two reasons:

To discuss the things about myself I used to hate, in the hopes of learning to accept them.

And to encourage you to do the same.

Coming to terms with what you don't like about yourself will provide you with a more secure sense of self, and save you from trying to be something you aren't. Be you. There is literally only one you. That's it. Spend life improving yourself instead of changing yourself. You can improve without changing who you are, but it takes time. Bloom where you are planted.

Love,

Hannah

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