future.

i'm nineteen years old, in my sophomore year of college, and I don't know if I'm going to live long enough to live my life. To get married or have children and grandchildren. I don't know if I'll finish college. I don't know if I'll ever get to teach. all of this is more uncertain than it has ever been because the leader of our country 1) doesn't believe in the gradual change of the climate that's causing our earth to collapse more and more every day, and 2) is threatening nuclear war like it's some kind of joke. Our leader is careless and terrifying, and I might die before getting the chance to actually live my life because of it.
I don't watch the news anymore because I've been having nightmares about these kinds of things. The fear that I won't live past my 20s or 30s has invaded my mind and made its way into my dreams and nightmares. The chance of the earth completely falling apart/nuclear war before i get to live the rest of my life isn't super high. I might get to live. I might live to see all of these things happen.

or i might not.

but what am I worried about? my privileged self is thinking about my marriage and my children and MY life, while there are people losing everything they own and people they love. People who truly don't know if they're going to live to see the light of the next day. do I even have the right to be worrying about all of this?

all of this got me thinking, every day, about my death. when it will happen. how it will happen. if it will happen tomorrow or in 60 years. it got me thinking about my life, how I have lived so far, what i'd do differently. and surprisingly, thinking about the portion of my life that's already happened brought me more comfort than thinking about the portion that hasn't happened.

i love my life. i love my school, my boyfriend, my friends. I love my family and the opportunities and things they are getting to experience right now as they travel around this beautiful country. i love every person that's contributed to my life, good or bad. they've taught me life's most important lessons and made me who I am right now. and frankly, i love who i am right now. i have to change and grow, of course, but i love me.

thinking about my past circumstances where I wasn't worried about everything under the sun (and above it) brought me comfort. living in that time again for a few moments was peaceful.

but i cannot live there all the time.
it's the past.
and it 's gone.

I must live in my present circumstances. i must think about the destructive possibilities that lie ahead. I must think about our country's current state. i cannot ignore them and live life pretending these things don't exist. they do. they are real. but ignoring them won't make them disappear.

it'll make them worse.

i must not stand by and coast through life like we so often do because we don't think about the end of our lives coming so soon.
i must worry.
i must get angry
i must fight.
for my planet.
for my country.
and for the people that cannot.

i must live, intentionally, in the present, because every second that passes becomes the past.
i must live every second intentionally.
i must not worry about my life.
i am terrified it won't last very long.
but i can't worry about that.
with reckless self-love and deliberate passion, I must live my life.
i must live it.
because one day, it, and everything else, will be gone.
it could be years from now.
it could be today.
no one knows.

so live. live like there is literally no tomorrow.
because there might not be.